Shaking hands by way of greeting is an important practice in Austria, whether you're greeting people in a business or a more intimate setting. As a general rule, Austrians are good hand shakers, according to my personal standards, which include the following characteristics: good hand contact - palm to palm, with fingers grasping the edges of the palm; a firm - but not tight - grip; and one or two controlled pumps up and down. I developed these personal guidelines long before I moved to the Land of Handshakes, and I've even begun classifying the different types of handshakes. For example...
The Limp Fish. We've all experienced this one! You reach to shake someone's hand and are offered something that is more akin to a limp, spineless fish. Though I'm sure it's all in my head, this handshake usually communicates one of two things to me: 1/ I'm a lily-livered wimp afraid of my own shadow and particularly of this handshake. 2/ I just don't care enough to put any effort into shaking your hand. Here, take this limp fish instead.
The Handcuff. I recently discovered this type; it's when the hand-shaker grabs your wrist instead of your hand. It's an awkward one, to be sure, and reminds me of the TV series "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman" - Sully and Cloud Dancing greeted each other by grasping forearms, a practice I always found hilarious. So, unless implementers of The Handcuff are Cheyenne Indians, I'm just not sure why they would choose to go this route.
The Vice, The Wringer, or The Squeeze. Few things are more uncomfortable than having your hand wrung by someone who doesn't know his or her own strength. This is most common among men (though I have met some women who do this) and can communicate enthusiasm or just outright brute strength. These aren't necessarily bad qualities, but they CAN end in pain. For the love of all small-handed people - less pressure, please!
The Pump. This is the handshake that practically knocks you off your feet with its vigorous up-and-down movement. Again, this can communicate enthusiasm, which is fine, but it can also communicate hyperactivity or an overdose of caffeine. Rein it in, people! Our arm fat jiggles quite enough without your pump.
The Prima Donna. Instead of offering his/her hand, the implementer of The Prima Donna only offers fingers. Fingers! It hardly even qualifies as a handshake - it's more like a fingershake, really, and who's ever heard of those? The Prima Donna could potentially communicate a Sovereign Complex ("You may kiss the royal hand, peasant"), Germaphobia ("The less of your hand I touch, the beter!"), or, like The Limp Fish, a general lack of interest in shaking hands at all.
I'm sure there are other handshakes out there that I have yet to experience and classify (for which you, my three readers, are probably grateful). I realize that cataloging these kind of subtle social interactions is one of my personal quirks, but we've all got those. Next time on Things That Don't Matter, I'll outline my Rules of Winking!
22 February 2010
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